Everyone faces criticism; it’s one of life’s inevitabilities. School, work, relationships, and of course, fellow drivers all like to let us know we’re doing something wrong. Not all criticism is the same. Sometimes, it feels more personal, but other times, you simply care less about the message being given. When teaching complaint behavior in Interpersonal Communication, we note that complaints regarding one’s performance and personal characteristics are harder to accept. For example, if I say, “You didn’t do the dishes,” that’s less problematic than “You suck at doing the dishes” or “You’re a messy person.”
I find that once I’ve proven myself in an area, I’m less apt to be ruffled by negative comments. I’ve been teaching a long time. That does not mean I’m a perfect teacher, but by and large I know my strengths and weaknesses. I don’t worry that negative feedback there will throw me off balance or call into question my choice of profession.
Today is my daughter’s tenth birthday. I’ll spare you the complete emotional melt down, but please allow me one moment of freakout. HOW IN THE HECK CAN SHE BE TEN? SHE WAS JUST BORN YESTERDAY! Whew, okay, I feel better, now. Here we both a decade ago--ah youth.
Everyone either knows or has read about how motherhood changes a person—how much your life revolves around that little dependent being. How your self-esteem suddenly deflates when a baby doesn’t sleep or swells when she can write her name.
This week, a friend reminded me of a book I’ve been meaning to read for a while, Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott. I’ve only had a brief chance to peruse it, but I was struck by how her writing lessons mirrored parenting lessons—perhaps some lessons are just generally important in life.
She writes, “Very few writers really know what they are doing until they’ve done it.” I laughed a little at this one. I’ve written plenty of things that turned out to be pure crap, but I didn’t know that at the time. Likewise, a select few things haven’t been all bad, but I didn’t realize it in the process, either.
As crazy as it sounds, we’re half way through the year. Do you need a second to process that? A good time to assess progress in various areas. Since I’m smack dab in the middle of what I’ve deemed “the best summer ever” I’m staying light this week.
I glanced at my list of books read so far in 2011, and I decided to share my top three. By walking through why I enjoyed these novels, it gave me a chance to reflect on some things in my current works in progress that may need tweaking. Heck, it might also add to your summer reading list. It probably won’t surprise you that they are all YA. I’ve listed the books in the order I read them. Now, of course, I'm behind in reading and writing, and I'm anxious to put these lessons to work for me.
I am posting the first 250 pages (a prologue procedes, but I typically do not include it in queries) here for critique as part of Shelly Watters' First Page Contest. Feel free to critique away. I am open.
Title: FIGMENT Genre: Middle-Grade Word Count: 60,000
At some point I’ll get over my need to post about failure and rejection—most likely after a little success. For now, the topic is still fresh in my mind.I’m constantly trying to put perspective on both life and writing failures.
I have already admitted to being a goal-setter and a list-maker.I probably still have notebooks somewhere in the attic detailing everything I planned to accomplish in my life.I am also just a teensy bit (read enormously) competitive. My biggest competitor is myself. As I mentioned in another post, I set arbitrary goals for myself, which are often a little unrealistic, and I’m a damn sore loser.
Last weekend I competed in my first 5K race. In the days leading up to the big day, I kept shrinking my goal time, and I increased my desired placement in my age group from top 10 to top 5. I failed. I ended up 6th.
This weekend my daughter competed in her dance nationals.She might be slightly (read almost exactly) like me. When she missed one move in an otherwise spectacular team performance, she cried in the dressing room after. However, she did teach me something as well. She never told me what her goal was for her solo (and yes, of course, winning isn’t the most important thing, and the emphasis is on fun, but remember she’s like me—goals and competitiveness are in her blood). After she received a platinum rating and a 4th place ranking, she was so giddy and such a natural high, I never would have guessed she had actually failed her goal. It turns out she was going for 3rd.One away, just like me.
One person’s failure is usually someone else’s success. No brainer, right?If someone else wins, I lose.It’s more than that, though.Other people are out there setting goals. Whatever I achieve that I perceive to be a failure might be exactly what another person would have considered success.
I still believe in the goals, though.I will continue to set them to high.I will probably fail a lot as a result. Disappointment will follow. Maybe I can teach my daughter not to be so hard on herself and maybe I can learn to find joy in the failure, too.
If you need some inspiration, here’s a little bit of Shania, just because I love her.You watch.I’m going to go run because next year, I’m going for top 5.
Rejection sucks. Not a particularly new or profound thought, I know, but it’s been on my mind a lot lately. The query process is filled with exceptional highs and lows. From what I’ve read, I’m pretty sure it only gets worse from here.Some weeks are great—requests for manuscripts and positive feedback give me hope that it’s possible to achieve my goals.Unfortunately, for every good week, a bad one follows when I am certain I’m wasting my time on writing altogether. I had a particularly disappointing week rejection recently, and I'm still rebuilding confidence.
Rejection and I are old friends.A person would have to be in cave far away from civilization to get to be my age without facing esteem-crushing blows from multiple fronts.I’ll probably never get over not being selected as an R.A. in college. Unfortunately, practice doesn’t always make perfect. Then again, maybe it is possible to become an expert at rejection.
One of my summer session public speaking students reminded me that there are plenty of examples of highly successful people who have faced rejection.In her speech, she cited the famous case of the Beatles’ Decca audition, which they were ultimately refused because guitar bands were losing steam. Here's one of the songs they played during that audition.
I also follow the blog, “One Hundred Rejections” which provides stories of famous authors who’ve been rejected and quotes advice from many of them.
I try to draw inspiration from these stories—not that I’m reveling in the failure of others, but is a reminder about the power of perseverance. Perhaps, more importantly, I remind myself that I may never be like Stephen King or Kathryn Stockett (The Help).My rejections may not lead to success, and while that’s not a pleasant thought, all the clichés are definitely true. Any hope of success begins with putting yourself out there.
So, no, this week’s post is not a new message, but sometimes, when I’m feeling particularly beat up by the process or by life in general, it’s a reminder I need.At least I’m still here risking, learning, changing.
Inspire me. Name a time you were rejected and it stuck with you. How long did it take you to "get over it?"
The Twitter world blew up while I was sleeping. I miss everything because I sleep. A Wall Street Journal article took aim at the current content of Young Adult (YA) fiction. In the world of blogs, Twitter, and Facebook, the backlash was instantaneous, birthing the #YAsaves hashtag and now a more permanent YA Saves Project.
So, what's all the fuss? Obviously, readers, writers, agents, and editors felt defensive, and I can see why. I found myself bristling as I read the article. Since I came to the party late, I didn't face any initial emotional reaction, though, and I've had time to re-read the piece. In the end, I can cull some reasonable points from within what I think is fairly divisive and accusatory rhetoric. Basically, I think the opinion may have validity, but it came across in a way that made people feel attacked and negated import positive outcomes of these "dark" and "grotesque" themes.
Here are a few points she makes which warrant attention:
1. Parents should monitor the books their kids are reading. In many ways, I took her article as more of a warning siren to people who may be unaware of how much more graphic YA fiction is today than it used to be. I'm not opposed to that. I have two WIP YA manuscripts with very edgy themes. The thing is, I haven't been a teen in a very long time, and they reflect my own reality then, so I don't think these themes are necessarily far off the mark. However, parents may think that books/literature are inherently fair game, unlike video games and movies, simply because they are published books. Aren't books always good? Always a better alternative to mindless activities? Maybe, maybe not. At the very least, parents should be sure the books are age appropriate and they should be prepared to talk about potentially disturbing themes.
2. Another assertion posited by Cox Gurdon had to do with the age old question: does art imitate life or vice versa. She states, "Yet it is also possible—indeed, likely—that books focusing on pathologies help normalize them and, in the case of self-harm, may even spread their plausibility and likelihood to young people who might otherwise never have imagined such extreme measures."
This is where I will take a controversial position and agree with her. That is, in fact, how all popular culture has pushed the boundaries. It's pretty much the same thing George Gerbner found in media studies--it's a form of cultivation theory.
I know we all want to balk at the idea that media, books, entertainment can influence us negatively. We like to think we're smarter, better critical thinkers, immune to the influence, etc. But I'll admit it. I learned a lot from The Best Little Girl in the World. Did the book cause me to have an eating disorder? No, but I know it escalated things.
The problem with the WSJ article, though, is that it points blame and then doesn't see any alternative perspectives. While the content may be dark and it may have some negative influences, is that YA literature does save. These mature themes showcase that teen problems are real. Rather than seeing this as a reason to attack people who produce the art, it would be good to look at what's going on with our teens. Why is this the reality?
An earlier article from WSJ addressed the same issue in a much different way. I was intrigued by that one because I'd read all of the articles mentioned. The conclusion of Roiphe's article astutely states, "As alarming as these books are, there is in all of this bleakness a wholesome and old-fashioned redemption that involves principles like triumph over adversity and affirmations of integrity."
That's the missed component of the most recent discussion. The themes may be shocking, but unless you read them, you don't know what the ultimate takeaway is, which takes me back to #1--parents do need to know what their kids are reading.
I'd love to hear more thoughts from different perspectives on this.
