Title: FIGMENT
Genre: Middle-Grade
Word Count: 60,000
Audrey Parker pulled up to the nearly empty bike racks with only a few minutes to spare. Well, duh, she thought. Who else would ride a bike to school on a rainy day? The first day at that.
As Audrey looped her chain around the spokes of her bike’s wheels and clipped the lock, she heard the sound of high pitched laughter, signaling the approach of Kayla Whitford and her gaggle of “giggle girls.” Seriously? I can’t even get through the first bell? She crouched down and faced her shoelaces. Their slowing pace told her what she already knew—bikes don’t make good hiding spots. . She’d been the subject of their teasing for two years. Why should eighth grade be any different?
"Nice granny bike," one of the girls said. Audrey looked down at her bike. She'd found it at an estate sale a couple of years ago, and she loved the wide seat and saddle bag baskets.
Get ready for the giggles, she thought. Not that Kayla herself was a not a giggler, not by any means. She was more of a smirker or a look down at her nose at you’er. Definitely not a giggler. But her cronies giggled. A lot.
“Oh dear God, Audrey. You don’t think anyone would actually want to steal that piece of junk do you? You know, I bet they have programs that give new bikes to the needy.” Kayla stood above her, giving Audrey a mock “poor you” look while her entourage looked on and surprise, giggled.
Good voice. Solid writing. I already like her and want to read more about her! good luck.
ReplyDeleteHey there!
ReplyDeleteI stumble over this:
She crouched down and faced her shoelaces. Their slowing pace told her what she already knew—bikes don’t make good hiding spots. . She’d been the subject of their teasing for two years. Why should eighth grade be any different?
First of all, you've got a random extra period in there, but that's not really the issue. I think you could phrase 'crouched down and faced her shoelaces' better - it has a peculiar mental image attached to it. The phrase 'bikes don't make good hiding spots' also baffles me. Bikes aren't spots of any type, really. I think this whole paragraph would be way stronger if she just crouched to tie her shoelaces and you jumped to 'She'd been the subject of...'
Next:
"Not that Kayla herself was a not a giggler, not by any means. She was more of a smirker or a look down at her nose at you’er. Definitely not a giggler."
First sentence has three not's, and I'm baffled as to why you don't say 'Kayla herself was not a giggler by any means' instead. What I drew from that sentence was the total opposite of what you intended.
Lastly:
"and surprise, giggled."
'surprise' should be grammatically offset, either by a comma on either side, or by dashes. I'd advise dashes, but I'm addicted to dashes, haha. So, either "and, surprise, giggled." or "and - surprise - giggled."
Overall, a strong first page! Nice sympathetic character. Best of luck! =]
Hi! Riley left some great suggestions. My only question is the apparent paradox here: you say that Kayla is a "smirker or a look down her nose at you'er" yet in the scene described, she's not doing much of either. She seems shy and insecure; if she was really supercilious, wouldn't she be showing it by giving some kind of snarky response. Of course, this is only the first 250, so maybe the very next line is that snarky response. Otherwise it has a good MG feel to it. The writing is clear and the diologue fresh. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThanks to everyone so far. I had made a couple of last minute changes and I found I tripped over the same things you all did. Changes are already in the works. I appreciate the help so far.
ReplyDeleteNice. The only thing is that I though she was crouched down but you mention when the girls make a comment that she looks down at her bike, so i got lost.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I like it. I think with some slight adjustments, it will be great. I was confused by the giggling part, too. You've drawn a lot of attention to it, then admit Kayla is not a giggler. Is this important to the story, I guess?
ReplyDeleteI get what you're saying about the bike as an object to hide behind. I think you should keep it and reword it. I think it shows something of her character to ride a bike and be unable to use it to hide herself.
I'd love to see the revised first page :-)
Good start. I remember middle school and how hard it was!
ReplyDeleteOh this is going to be a great story. Love it! The conflict is superbe! Tension is incredible.
ReplyDeleteCould be from the changes you're making, but the sentence not a giggler ended up with an extra a.
People have already mentioned the stuff I was going to suggest so mostly I'm just here to say good luck! I like the description of the MC's bike. It tells me a lot about her without being obvious.
ReplyDeleteI'd call her a "look-down-her-nose-at-you'er." The hyphens unite the words into one phrase for me.
ReplyDeleteAlso: "... while her entourage looked on and, surprise, giggled."
Also: "Not that Kayla herself was a giggler..." I think that you mean Kayla DOESN'T giggle, and putting an extra "not" before "giggler" tells us that she was.
But, hey, any story of grade school persecution that throws in the words "cronies" and "gaggle" in the first 250 words has got my attention. I like it, and the scene/characters/conflict is instantly vivid and alive. Good work! - TH
Check out my first 250!: http://ploopet.blogspot.com/
Lots of good giggling in there.
ReplyDeleteReally felt for the character. Hard not to root for someone like that (tho I wonder why she can't just take a bus).
Kind of wonder why Audrey thinks she deserves to be giggled at and let herself be teased for 2+ years. I'm assuming that's the gist of the story.
Nice start!
Overall, this is a good start. As a teacher, we need more stories about braving through the teasing that the middle school years bring. I hope to see this in print some day!
ReplyDeleteI felt there was a shift in POV in the first paragraph. You wrote: Well, duh, she thought. Who else would ride a bike to school on a rainy day? The first day at that. Who thought this? It seems to me this thought would belong to the bullies, not the protagonist. Keep writing!